


Blinding Darkness

by Polarnacht



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, BAMF Jace Wayland, Blood and Gore, Dark, Dark Alec Lightwood, Dark Jace Wayland, Dark Magic, Date Rape Drug/Roofies, Homophobia, Hurt Alec Lightwood, Hurt/Comfort, Immorality, Killing, Love Confessions, M/M, Minor Character Death, Mutilation, Parabatai Bond, Protective Jace Wayland, Rape/Non-con Elements, Revenge, Self-Harm, Sex, Torture, parabatai love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-28
Updated: 2020-07-12
Packaged: 2021-03-04 00:54:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 5
Words: 19,105
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24961141
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Polarnacht/pseuds/Polarnacht
Summary: After the incident with the memory demon, Alec flees the scene to drown his feelings in alcohol. While getting drunk he doesn't register the men in the bar that look at him as if he is prey. When he realizes what they are up to, it is too late.Meanwhile Jace is excited to finally tell Alec how he truly feels about him. When their bond indicates that Alec is in danger, he does everything to rush to his aid - but he comes too late. Finding Alec in the restroom of a shady bar, lying in his own blood, left behind like trash -  there is only one question left: How far will Jace go to revenge Alec? Guided by the newfound power of their consummated bond, the answer is clear: As far as he has to. There is no line he wouldn't cross to make the men pay for what they have done.But the real struggle begins later - the pair of Parabatai has to deal with the Clave, Valentine, the additional power the corrupted bond provides and first and foremost with Alec's trauma.The rape/non con tag does not refer to anything happening between Jace/Alec.
Relationships: Alec Lightwood/Jace Wayland
Comments: 46
Kudos: 267
Collections: Banned Together Bingo 2020





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is a dark story that covers difficult and possibly triggering topics, so make sure to read the tags before proceeding. 
> 
> Part of the "banned together 2020 bingo".

_Alec_

Alec was furious. At that girl that had brought him into this position in the first place, furious at the warlock for flirting with him and confusing him, furious at Jace for being Jace. But most of all he was furious at himself. For being so fucking stupid and pretentious.

They had met Clary in a club while demon hunting and she had been able to see them – something that shouldn’t happen. So many things shouldn’t have happened since then Alec couldn’t help but think.

She could see them because the girl was not a mundane but a Shadowhunter raised as a mundane. Though Alec didn’t really know how, suddenly that had become their – his – problem. But who was Alec kidding, he knew how it had happened. Jace had happened. The blond had wanted to help Clary and though with gritted teeth, Alec had followed as he always followed Jace’s spoken and unspoken demands. He just couldn’t help himself.

The girl’s mother had erased Clary’s memories of the Shadow World and to retrieve those, they had asked the High Warlock of Brooklyn for help – Magnus Bane, who had not only summoned a memory demon but also constantly flirted with Alec – a fact that had left Alec shaken. No one had ever really looked at him and he had liked it that way. Being in the shadows meant no one paid too close attention to what you did. No one saw the looks that lingered too long on the forbidden fruit. No one saw the desire in your eyes.

But Magnus had looked and had even flirted with him – and Alec had responded to it, completely against his will, making a stuttering mess out of himself. He had hated the way he had blushed when the warlock had addressed him as pretty boy – and the knowing look the girl had given him he had hated even more. He had been confused – by the sudden interest in himself, but also by the look in Jace’s eyes before a blank expression had replaced that look. Shortly, Alec had imagined to see rage in those mismatched eyes. Rage and jealousy. But that could not be, couldn’t it?

But all that had left Alec undone and he had been thinking of anything but the task at hand: giving the demon a picture of the person he loved the most. Otherwise he would not have broken the circle when Jace’s image showed up for him. Otherwise he would have been prepared. Because – who else would show up for him? Jace was his Parabatai. All forbidden feelings aside, of course a picture of the blond would appear. But as it had been, he had freaked out and broken the circle and set the demon free.

They had managed to control the damage he had caused, but the girl’s memories were lost, the accusing look on her face ingrained in his brain. Jace had wanted to talk to him after the incident, but Alec had broken free of his hold, brushing him off. He didn’t need a reassuring talk from his Parabatai now, how much he loved him as a brother, not when he needed something entirely different to hear from him.

So Alec had stormed off, leaving the scene of the demon summoning. He had started to run as soon as he had closed the door, not really knowing or caring where he ran to as he was too busy to run away. He had known that and he hadn’t cared. For once he hadn’t cared about his duties, that he was supposed to be the leader of their team. No one listened to him anyway, as the handling of the girl had shown him.

***

When a shady bar suddenly popped up in front of him, he came to an abrupt halt, his side burning form the long and extensive run. Without thinking twice, he entered it.

Alec had never been a drinker, in fact he didn’t even like the taste of alcohol. But this was not the purpose of this exercise, wasn’t it. Drinking itself was the purpose, drinking and forgetting. Letting off steam as his sister and _his brother_ had often called it when they had tried to convince him to tag along. But he had never felt the need to accompany them, his need to see Jace seduce another random girl was not existent, thank you very much.

The light in the bar was dim and Alec needed a couple of minutes to adjust to it. The bar was nearly empty, only one table in the corner of the room was occupied by three men who talked animatedly to each other. Alec settled for the bar, the men in his back. He ordered the first drink that came to his mind and when he voiced it, he flinched inwardly. Of course he had ordered Tequila, Jace’s favorite drink. Of course the blond could not stay out of his thoughts for once.

Downing the first drink, Alec didn’t register that the men had fallen silent to watch him closely, a knowing smirk on their faces. He didn’t see the obscene gesture the grey haired man made to the others. Alec just ordered another round.

Alec knocked down his second shot and he felt the lucid liquid burning down his throat and curling into a small ball of fire in his stomach. It wasn’t an unpleasant feeling, the fire seemed just what he needed to burn away anything else. Shortly, he felt a strange sensation from his Parabatai bond, a euphoric excitement – but Alec shut down his side of the bond immediately. He knew that kind of excitement – probably Jace was about to fuck the girl now, something the redhead had clearly wanted from the beginning and Jace had seemed not adverse to it either. Fuck him. Fuck everything.

Alec signaled to the barkeeper that he wanted another shot. In one go he knocked it down just as the others, relishing the intensified burning. He knew he should slow down, but again, he couldn’t care about what he knew what he should do. He just wanted to forget. Forget that girl who was probably moaning right now under Jace’s capable hands, forget that warlock who had dared to distract him, forget the world in general and most importantly forget that he himself existed. Jace didn’t make it on the list of things to forget, as he was more than aware that this wasn’t an option anyway.

Alec had practically been in in love with Jace the moment he had met him, though he had then been too young to realize it. But when he had hit puberty and Jace had entered his dreams, the real ones and the daydreams, it had been obvious. He had fallen inevitably, fast and hard. And since then, he had never stopped falling. He had forgotten what it felt like to feel the ground under his feet. He had never dared to talk about it, burying the feelings deep inside him. Who was he to offer love to anyone?

He had been astonished when Jace had asked him to become Parabatai. Jace could have had anyone, yet he had asked him. But with the sacred bond between them, Alec had even less dared to voice his true feelings. It was forbidden by the Clave. Supposedly there was a curse that hit Parabatai who committed Eros, yet no one knew the true outcome of that curse.

Sitting now in the shady bar, his veins on fire and his head slightly spinning, Alec couldn’t help but wonder what Jace would have said if he ever had had the courage to speak up. A small part of him thought that he shouldn’t have brushed Jace of like he had done earlier that day, he should have waited what the blond had to say after the dreadful incident with the memory demon. The what if rang loud in his head. What if Jace had wanted to say he loved him back? Alec shook his head in denial. This was certainly the alcohol thinking. What ifs never happened, at least not to him.

With a last firm nod to himself Alec stood up to go to the restrooms. He felt himself sway slightly, the sudden movement too much. Quickly he reached out for the barstool to regain control. Fuck, he was already drunk. But he was not drunk enough, he realized. He still couldn’t help but think. Think about his flaws and failures, particularly his failure today. He couldn’t stop the voice in his head that had the same tone and intonation than his mother’s from scolding him for being a pathetic Shadowhunter, for being weak. Unfortunately he had not yet drunk enough to feel nothing at all. But he was too drunk to notice the three men hunched in the dark corner of the bar, looking at him with hungry eyes. Eyes of predators that were about to claim their prey.

***

Alec looked briefly in the dirty mirror and grimaced at the image that was reflected. He was paler than usual and the dark circles under his eyes stood in a harsh contrast to his wan skin tone. He looked tired and he flinched slightly at the visible pain in his hooded eyes. He had to use every inch of his willpower to not slam his fist into the mirror to cause it to splatter under the impact. He knew he would welcome the pain of the small cuts and bloody knuckles. Pain was good as long as it didn’t come from the inside. But he didn’t want to draw attention to him. With a shrug he turned around and left to return to the bar.

Another full glass was already waiting for him, without having ordered it. He cocked a questioning eyebrow at the bartender, but the man just shrugged and pointed at the three men who raised their glasses towards them. After a short moment of hesitation, Alec rose his glass in their direction and took a huge gulp. If he were a more frequent drinker, he might have realized that something was off with the taste of the drink, that the bitter taste was not part of the original flavor. But as it was, he wasn’t and he didn’t, so he just kept drinking.

The next time he had to use the bathroom, swaying was not the right term to describe his state anymore. Nausea hit him right when he got up and only a very firm grip on the bar helped him to stay upright at all. His vision was blurry and he couldn’t really focus anymore. For a moment he thought he had to throw up, but thankfully that feeling past. With his inability to stand properly, Alec also lost his grip on the bond and he couldn’t avoid the rush of emotions that flooded from Jace’s side. To his surprise it wasn’t the high after sex. All he felt was worry and concern from his Parabatai. Before he could dwell over it, he felt a hand on his elbow. He looked up and tried to focus on the man in front of him. He had white grey hair, light blue eyes and wore a black turtle neck under his black leather jacket. He looked oddly familiar but Alec couldn’t really place him in his state. He also couldn’t shake the hand from his elbow.

“Need a little help?” The smirk on the guy’s face was sweet, too sweet. But all Alec could do was nod, not being entirely in control of his body – and mind. He was half pushed and half dragged to the restroom. The bartender looked after them, an uneasy expression on his face when the other two men followed them shortly after. But he didn’t say anything, he just kept polishing one of the glasses in front of him.

Alec trembled under the firm grip of the older man’s hand. His mind screamed at him to run, his Shadowhunter instincts to fight. But all he could do was follow the lead he was given, as his body was not obeying him anymore. He felt like a rag doll played by a strong puppeteer. As he was pushed into the restroom, a shiver was running down his spine. They were not alone, they had been followed by the man’s two friends. His muscles flexed as if to get ready to flee or fight, but he stood rooted to the spot, despite all efforts not able to move an inch.

 _Run,_ something inside him screamed, but the internal screaming was all he managed to do. He tried to focus on his bond, on his connection to Jace, to send for help, when the older man shut the door firmly. A movement he made with his hand seemed oddly familiar. Alec’s brain tried to connect the dots he knew had to be there. But his mind stayed foggy.

Another wave of nausea hit him and he needed all his strength to keep upright. The older man grabbed him and sneered at him, his sweet expression turning into one of disgust.

“It’s time for you to get off your high horse _pretty boy_. You are a disgust to our people. Someone like you shouldn’t exist.” The man spat in his face and before Alec could feel disgusted, the man grabbed him by his hair and slammed his face against the close by wall. He connected with his nose first and he felt it break, blood running down his throat and into his mouth. He choked and he heard someone laugh, while his legs gave way and he sank to his knees.

“I want to try later if he chokes as prettily when he has stuck something else in his throat.” The others joint in the laughter.

Alec tried again to make his body move, but it was as if he was paralyzed. He couldn’t move, his body betrayed him in the worst way possible. The man still held him by his hair and forced him painfully up into a standing position – just to slam his fist right into Alec’s face, followed by another round of spit. His face was covered in blood, snot, spit – and tears. Alec didn’t know what of those was more humiliating.

“Let us have some fun, too.” The cold voice of the third man rang through the room and the man still holding him chuckled darkly.

“There will be plenty of time for all of us to have fun.”

A sudden panic rose in Alec. He wanted to scream but he couldn’t even bring his body to do that. It was as if something else had taken over control and he was just a passenger in his own body. The only thing he still could do was feel. Feel the pain when one of the man punched him in the stomach and his kidneys, followed by a kick in his guts. Feel the humiliation when they forced him to open his lips and one of them shoved his dick right into his mouth, laughing when he gagged and choked. Feel the lack of oxygen when he was hold by two men in place while the other fucked his face. Feel the horror when one of them unbuckled Alec’s pants and shoved it to his ankles, followed by him being pressed to the dirty ground.

In between he felt waves of reassurance coming through their bond. He had tried to close the bond, to spare Jace his pain. But Jace had taken none of that. Alec had never felt their connection ripped open that forcefully, Jace’s determination to keep it open as clear as it could get. And even though Alec felt humiliated, the part of him that was scared like he had never been before was glad that he felt Jace through their bond. Jace was coming for him. He felt Jace running through the night, getting closer each second. But it would be too late to prevent any of the things that would follow now. He knew Jace was too far away. Maybe Jace had been too far away all along.

Alec nearly chocked but he did his best not to make a sound when his face was pressed down in a small pool of liquid. He was not sure if it was urine, his own blood or something entirely different. He didn’t want to know. His head was still spinning and he would have welcomed to black out, as he knew what was coming now. To his dismay he couldn’t help the sob when he felt one of the men position himself behind him. The laughter increased. The pain was excruciating when the man pushed into him without preamble. Alec would have screamed, but his body was not even able to do this anymore. He went lax and would have fallen to the ground if not the others had forced him back into position by holding him upright. His head was so heavy, he just wanted to lay down, not caring for the dirty floor any longer. The good thing was, he also didn’t feel the pain anymore. He was just numb all over.

“Did we give him too much of the potion?” The voice sounded nearly concerned. “He shouldn’t black out completely.”

“Nah, all good. We’re done with him anyway soon. Or do you want a go?” With a groan the man came with one last, forceful thrust. The third man shook his head. As soon as the man was done with Alec, they all let go of him. Alec fell face first on the ground and he felt his vision go completely dark at the impact, the pain of his broken nose even worse than the pain in the rest of his body.

“But shouldn’t we keep a trophy?”

“What kind of trophy?”

A wicked grin appeared on the face of the man with the white hair.

“One of his runes.”

Alec lay on the floor, slipping in and out of consciousness while he heard the others discuss if taking a trophy – a rune – was a good idea. Rune, his mind wanted to supply. Somehow it was important that they knew what runes were, but he couldn’t put his finger on it, too soon darkness was claiming him again.

“What about his Parabatai rune? Would teach also the other cocky brat a lesson.”

No, Alec wanted to scream. Not that rune. Anything but that. But he couldn’t, he couldn’t speak. A strange noise was the only thing he was capable of making.

“I don’t know, the other can be rather….,” was all Alec heard before his mind went black again. He was awoken by a stinging pain a bit above the left side of his belly. A hoarse groan escaped him when the man cut deeper. The warmth of his own blood running over his abdomen made Alec shiver – yet all he felt was relieve. Relieve that they had chosen his Agility rune and not the Parabatai rune.

While one man was still busy cutting out the rune from Alec’s flesh, the other chuckled darkly while he slipped his finger inside the wound to coat his finger in blood. He started to write something on the wall, but Alec couldn’t move to see what it was. He didn’t care either. Just when Alec thought the ordeal was going to end, he felt his head yanked up again, before he got smashed against the urinal. His temple collided hard with the china and after an intense jolt of pain he felt nothing. Blackness mercifully claimed him, and this time, he stayed unconscious. He didn’t notice the three men leave. He didn’t register the next person coming in, the darkness clawed at him as if to never let go again.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just as a short warning: I have added the blood/gore tag which will be relevant for chapter three, not this chapter.

_Jace_

Jace was excited. The past couple of days had been hard and he had to admit that most of it had been his fault. When he had met Clary, she had reminded him so much of himself – lost, a stray in the Shadow World as he had been when his father had suddenly died– that he had done everything in his power to help her find her mother and her memories – including pissing of Alec.

Of course he had felt that Alec disapproved of his course of action, but he hadn’t had it in him to care. His need to help had exceeded his need to reason with his Parabatai. The thrill of what they had been doing, going on unsanctioned missions and feeling important in the war against Valentine had added to his behavior. He had never meant to hurt Alec or distance himself from him, but somehow it had happened. Somehow, _he_ had let it happened.

When Magnus had started to flirt with Alec and his Parabatai had responded to it, Jace had realized for maybe the first time that he cared about Alec in an entirely non-brotherly way. Alec was his and no one was supposed to flirt with him. The realization had hit him and he wondered how he had been so blind. How he had been too busy chasing the quick pleasure with random people to see that what he wanted was right in front of him. Right then he just had gritted his teeth and said nothing, but he had been determined to talk to Alec later in private. To confide in him.

He had always known that Alec belonged to him in ways most people didn’t understand. They were Parabatai, they had merged their souls for good. For better or worse. And Alec had never left any doubt that Jace was his priority, his number one. Seeing him now flirting with another man had opened Jace’s eyes brutally. Alec might be his now, but if he wasn’t careful, someone would come between them. Seeing Alec blush for another man made it painfully clear to Jace that he really liked to see Alec blush, but he wanted – needed – him to blush only for him. Jace might have been blind for the past years, but suddenly he could see. See the love he carried for Alec as what it truly was. Not the love for a friend, but the love for a lover.

If he was honest the thought scared him, and being scared was something his father had beaten out of him a long time ago. But this was a different kind of fear. The fear of being rejected was entirely different from being afraid of a demon. It was much more substantial. Probably that was part of the fact why he had never considered how he truly felt about Alec. Alec had been always there, never shown any interest in anybody besides him. It had been safe to do nothing as Alec had been his anyway. But with the beautiful warlock in the picture who was clearly interested in Alec, the risk of losing him was too high. It was a risk Jace was not willing to take.

Yet, they had to complete what they had started and summon the demon first. A demon who required memories as payment, and not just any memory – a memory of the person they loved the most. Jace wasn’t surprised when his picture showed up for Alec – who else was supposed to show up after all? But somehow it made Alec freak out and break the circle – a fact that made Jace’s blood boil in anticipation of what was to come after his confession. The picture must mean something – otherwise Alec had never freaked out like that.

As soon as they had banished the demon back to its own dimension, Jace wanted to talk to Alec. But Alec had just pushed him away and stormed off, not telling where he was heading to. Before Jace was able to follow him, Clary demanded his attention. She had been slightly wounded and needed help with applying an Iratze. Jace was slightly annoyed but he helped her, there was also no time for rushing. He had waited for so long, he could wait a bit longer. What harm would waiting a little longer do?

***

Jace’s whole body was humming with excitement when he entered the Institute. He was sure that Alec was already there. The moment he had delivered Clary safely to her room, he checked their bond to find Alec. A frown appeared on his face when he realized that Alec had shut off his side of the bond. With a sigh Jace tried Alec’s room first, then the training room – Jace knew that Alec liked to overexert himself when he felt he had failed something – and then the roof top, their secret hiding place. But Alec was nowhere to be found.

The excitement turned into worry and concern. Vanishing like that was totally unlike Alec, especially after a mission that required paper work. Jace opened his side of the bond wide to get any connection to his Parabatai but was greeted with only a vast nothingness. Alec had cut off their connection completely. Jace stood on the roof top, fidgeting with his Stele and contemplating what to do. If he should track Alec who clearly wanted to be alone right now. But he had to talk to him, the anticipation of what could – would - happen afterwards building a pressure inside him he couldn’t ignore any longer. Besides, the complete lack of responds started to seriously worry him. 

Before he even had the chance to leave the roof top, Jace was hit by a wave of emotions through their bond. But it was not relieve that settled in for feeling his Parabatai again, it was confusion replaced by panic. Something was distinctively off with Alec. He felt that Alec was no longer clamping off their bond, but the bond felt unsteady. No, _Alec_ felt unsteady. Without having to think about it further, Jace activated all his runes and started to run, following the pull in their bond. He knew it would lead him to Alec.

A sharp pain that was not his own on his face made him run faster, the pain in his kidneys made him close the bond partially so that he was able to hold up the speed, but not too much to lose the connection. While running he tried to push reassurance towards Alec.

_Hold on, I’m coming._

The rhythmic thuds of his combat boots hitting the asphalt rang loud in his ears while he ran through the night, holding up a steady and fast pace. His lungs burnt, pleading him to slow down but he didn’t care. He pushed his body past its limits, the pain in his bond, together with the strange feeling that besides the pain something was wrong with Alec urging him on. The panic he had initially felt was replaced by rage and a burning anger he knew he had to control. Alec was scared and he knew Alec inside out. There was no way a demon or any other supernatural being caused this feeling – and this pain. This was an evil of a totally different origin. With an internal snarl he forced the bond to stay open, sensing that Alec was about to shut it down again to spare him the pain. There was no way he would let this happen. For better or worse, and this was definitely worse.

The bond let him into a bar, a strange thing in itself. Since when did Alec drink? But Jace didn’t let this stop him, he burst into the empty bar, panting heavily. His runes burnt and he forced them to stay active a little longer. He looked around. Though the lights were still on and some tables had glasses on them, there was no one to be seen, not even the bartender.

Without paying his surroundings further attention, Jace followed the pull and entered the restrooms. A pained growl that was far from human escaped him when he took in the unconscious figure on the ground, tainted with blood and other bodily fluids. The howl came from deep inside him and fought its way out of him.

He knelt beside his Parabatai, pushing a bloody strain of hair out of his pale face. With gentle fingers he searched for a pulse, which was flat but steady.

“Alec.” He barely recognized his own voice. “Alec, please. Talk to me.” But Alec didn’t. He didn’t speak, he didn’t move. Jace wanted to scream. His mind was racing. He needed to get Alec back to the Institute. He needed to clean and heal him. He needed to find who was responsible for this. And punish them. Oh, he would find them and they would regret being born when he was done with them. But first, he needed to do something else.

He had no idea why he felt he couldn’t wait any longer, he just knew he couldn’t.

“I love you.” The words were whispered but rang as loudly through the room as if he had screamed them. When the _you_ had spilled out of his mouth, he felt something snap in place inside of him. Something that had always been there and just had waited for him to finally admit to his feelings.

With the snap came a jolt of power that made his whole body vibrate with raw energy. Despite his urge to jump into action immediately, to run and find the persons who had hurt Alec, Jace stayed, knowing that Alec needed him now by his side. As good as he could, he cleaned Alec and healed his outer wounds with Iratzes, dressing him again. He didn’t suppress the sob or the tears when he discovered that they had cut out a piece of Alec’s skin. The Agility rune. Jace knew Alec’s body as good or probably even better than his own, he knew every centimetre of the boy he loved.

_Love._

Undoubtedly, he loved Alec. Had always loved him. Would always love him. Alec’s breath was still shallow and Jace pressed a gentle kiss to Alec’s forehead. When his lips met dumb skin, a visible shiver ran through the older boy’s body and his eyelids started to flutter. A low, pained grown tore from Alec’s throat when his mind switched back to consciousness.

He tried to speak but failed, choked noises was all he managed. Jace shushed him with his index finger pressed gently against his sore lips.

“I love you.” The words came out calm and with the same certainty Jace was feeling. It wasn’t the right place or time, Jace knew that. Alec had been beaten, raped, mutilated. But Jace didn’t feel only pain through their bond now his Parabatai was awake again, he also felt insecurity, humiliation and self-loath. So maybe it was just the right situation to voice what he felt. Alec looked back at him, wide eyed and a doubt in his eyes that made Jace cringe inwardly. He hated that Alec doubted himself and him like that. Jace locked eyes with him.

“I love you.” His voice was stern, nearly harsh. He needed Alec to understand.

Though Alec was not able to respond with words, Jace knew that he had gotten through to him the third time when Alec’s eyes widened a fraction and the doubt was replaced by a spark and a shine. His lips moved and Jace heard him saying the words back, no matter if the words were spoken out loud or not.

Feeling his love be reciprocated, the raw energy in him turned into something more docile, but equally powerful, as if the it was satisfied now all cards were on the table. The two boys just looked at each other, drinking in the sight of the other, feeling both what the other could feel. Love. Energy. A power that had not been there before. A power that was about to consume them both. But they also felt pain, the echo of fear, humiliation. The need for revenge. The need to punish.

***

“They drugged him with a potion.”

After Magnus had let his magic fly over Alec and sensed the dark magic inside him, Magnus confirmed with a firm nod Jace’s suspicion. Magnus could feel the fingerprint of the warlock who was responsible for it. His eyes flashed yellow, turning them into the eyes of a cat briefly, before he regained control. He hated to see the Shadowhunter like that, though he barely knew him. Using magic for something like that went against everything he stood for.

Though Alec was now mostly awake, he hadn’t regained control over his body yet. Back in the Institute Jace had contemplated his possibilities and then opted for Magnus, though the choice had not been an easy one. But in the end, he trusted the warlock more than the creepy Silent Brothers, the only other option he had.

“It’s comparable to a mundane rape drug, but a bit more evil even. It leaves the victims paralyzed but they can still feel pain. It’s really dark magic.” His voice was harsh and Jace had no doubt that Magnus would track down the warlock who had brewed that potion and that he would hold him responsible. Magic sparks were visible on Magnus’ fingertips, eager to be released. Magnus pushed down the urge to go hunt the warlock instantly. The priority now was Alec.

Magnus didn’t ask any specifics and Jace was grateful for that. Even though there was no shame in what had happened to Alec, Jace was sure that his Parabatai didn’t want the word to spread – besides, it was not his story to tell.

“They have given him a lot of it and the effect of it could go on for days, judging by the concentration I feel in his blood. But I can brew an antidote, it shouldn’t take long. The antidote then will take several hours to work and it would make you sleep, Alec.”

Jace felt Alec's approval through their bond so he nodded and thanked Magnus for his help.

Before Magnus had arrived, Jace had carefully bathed Alec and had washed away all traces of blood and dirt. The wound on his abdomen was too big to heal with a simple Iratze, but Magnus had assured him that there was a spell for regrowing skin. It would take a bit time and maybe scar, but who cared about scars? A huge bandage indicated were the rune once had been.

Jace settled down next to Alec on the enlarged bed, his hands combing gently through Alec’s still slightly wet hair, while they were waiting for Magnus to return. It was strange that Alec was not able to move or speak, but when Jace concentrated on their bond, he felt Alec communicate with him in a way that had not been possible a few hours ago. The love that flooded through their bond was unbelievable, stronger than anything Jace felt ever before. But there was also the unsteadiness and a faint echo of pain.

Magnus had given Alec the magic equivalent of pain killers and with Jace’s help he had been able to swallow most of the potion. But Jace knew that the outer pain and the wounds were nothing compared to the real damage the men had inflicted. Dealing with the actual assault would take much longer and he was sure would push both of them to their limits – but no matter how long it took and what it would take, he would be there for Alec.

Jace shuddered when his mind took him back to the way he had found Alec. Unmoving, lying in his own blood. His pants and boxers pushed to his ankles, leaving Alec laying on the ground like trash. His abdomen bleeding harshly. The message on the wall had been clear: Faggot, written in Alec’s own blood. Jace had to close his eyes and concentrate on his breathing to force down the rage that wanted to consume him. His mind supplied him with pictures of what he would do with those men responsible. How he would let them suffer. How they would scream in responds. But now was not yet the right time. But soon. Soon he would give in to the rage. Soon justice would be served.

When Magnus was back he helped Alec swallow the potion. Izzy would not leave his side until Jace was back. Jace hated to leave his Parabatai alone, but there was no way around it.

He looked down at his already sleepy Parabatai and couldn’t help his thumb caressing the still slightly swollen lips. He leaned in and breathed a kiss on them – not an actual kiss, but still he felt the hot ball of power that had curled into his belly enlarge. Fire shot through his veins like his blood was burning.

“I’ll be back, Alec. When you wake up again I’ll be right by your side. I promise. But first I will make them pay.” It was a dark promise and one he intended to keep, especially when he felt his Parabatai’s approval flooding through their bond. They locked eyes and Jace smiled when he saw his fire reflected in Alec’s eyes.

_Make it count._

Alec’s wish rang loudly in his head and Jace smiled darkly.

The rage was about to take control.


	3. Chapter 3

Jace had always known that there was a darkness inside him, an all-consuming darkness that lay only a heartbeat away. It had been placed there by his father’s harsh upbringing, by the lack of love he had experienced as a child. Every punch, every whipping, every cruel word had pushed the darkness deeper inside, rooting it there to wait for its time to surface. He had always avoided it, the fear too big that once he had unleashed it, he wouldn’t be able to control it. But now he embraced it. He cherished it.

When he activated his runes with his angelic powers, Jace felt an additional rush of energy wash over him, something he had never felt before.

Something in him was free since he had confessed his love to Alec and he surely didn’t want to put it back on a leash. It mingled with the darkness and merged to a dangerous, blazing fire that was about to consume him. His eyes flashed like they always flashed when playing with his additional powers, but when he saw his reflection in a mirror his eyes weren’t golden. They were a blazing red for several moments before they turned into their usual shade of blue. There was nothing angelic about the way he felt.

The Shadowhunters he met on his way rushed out of his way, the mania radiating form him making them turn away. He was clearly on the warpath and no one wanted to get in the middle of it.

***

He started at the bar. When he got there it was early morning and not to his surprise, the bar was empty. He did a small detour to the restroom, but found it empty – and clean. Someone had mopped away the blood and everything else. Even the slur on the wall was gone. So someone had been aware of what had been going on – but hadn’t bothered to intervene or call the mundane police. Jace was pretty sure whoever it was would come to regret that decision.

In the back of the bar was a small office, a tiny desk squeezed into a corner. A rather old looking computer was on the table, pencils, a calculator and other stuff were randomly placed there – together with a shift plan. His finger slid down the paper until he found the name he was looking for. He tapped on it twice.

_Ian Millen. It will be a pleasure to meet you, though I fear the pleasure will be all mine._

Underneath was a huge container that – hopefully – contained records of the people that worked there. If not he had to deal with the computer, but he was not a good hacker.

Jace didn’t bother with an unlocking rune. He yanked the container open with raw force and to his relieve there were indeed staff records filed. He browsed quickly through them, not a lot people worked for the bar. To the owner’s credit – or whoever was responsible for it – the files were neat and contained all relevant information. Ian Millen didn’t live far away, which was good as he was on a rather tight schedule. He wanted to be back in time before Alec woke up and he didn’t want to waste his time with the bartender.

Ian lived in a rundown area a few blocks away from the bar. Though Jace didn’t think he needed the extra boost, he tried to focus on the fire inside of him. He smiled darkly when he reached for it and felt the power on his fingertips together with the additional glow of his runes. Even though he didn’t need them to deal with an ordinary mundane, it felt good to dive into them.

The door to Ian’s apartment was locked. Again Jace didn’t bother with an unlocking rune – or knocking for that matter. He took a few steps back and kicked the door in, which gave away with what would have been a splattering sound if he had not applied a silencing rune. There was something utterly satisfying in feeling wood shatter under his boots.

With three quick strides he was across the tiny room and stood in front of the only other door that remained and had to lead to the bedroom. Thanks to the silencing rune Ian was not aware of the intruder invading his home – nor was the woman that laid curled up in his arms. Jace hesitated for a moment but then opted for kicking in the second door as well. This time, he deliberately didn’t use another rune. He wanted Ian to wake to the sound of breaking wood. He wanted him sleepy and scared.

The loud bang of the door slamming against the wall made Ian jump in his sleep. With wide eyes he tried to scream when he saw the tall figure in the doorframe, but all he could manage was a squeaking sound. The woman next to him was not better off. Her mouth hang open, gaping at the intruder with fear. She tried to pull the sheets up to cover her bare breasts. But Jace was not here for her. He couldn’t care less if she was naked or not.

Jace looked at the woman briefly.

“Run.” The one word held so much authority and so much terror that the woman didn’t even bother to collect her clothes that lay scattered over the floor. She just took the blanket and ran – ran from the blond man with the hollow voice and the blazing red eyes that didn’t seem to contain any kind of soul.

Jace took his time to stroll over to Ian, who was still in shock and was sitting on the bed without moving. He was shaking like a leaf. While closing the short distance, Jace drew one of his daggers out of his thigh holster and sat down next to the shivering man on the bed.

“We can do this the easy way or the hard way, Ian. But we do this, this is for sure.”

When the man didn’t react, Jace leaned in closer, his lips nearly brushing Ian’s ear.

“Do you understand what I’m saying?”

It came out as a hiss and the shudder that ran through Ian’s naked body was visible, but at least he managed a nod.

“Good.”

Nearly gently Jace let the knife run over the man’s face. Over his cheeks, the left side of his throat and then back up again on the other side, scrubbing lightly over his Adam’s apple.

“What happened last night in the bar? And who was involved?”

Ian paled visibly, though Jace hadn’t thought that this was even possible. All color drained from the other man’s face.

“Nothing,” he stammered.

“The hard way it is. Good.” Jace didn’t master to keep the satisfaction out of his voice. Jace applied a bit pressure to the knife and the sharp blade bit into Ian’s skin like a knife into butter. First drops of blood began to ran down his throat. He wanted to jerk away, but Jace was quicker. His left hand shot out and he hold Ian’s head in place while he ran the knife along Ian’s trembling body.

Ian’s skin was smooth. In the middle of his chest was a small bunch of chest hair. Jace smirked lightly when he started to use the dagger as a racer – and cut of just a tiny bit too much. The blood that was running down Ian’s throat joined the one from his chest.

“Another try. What happened? And who was involved? And I would consider your answer, little Ian. I have time to play.” It was a lie but Ian didn’t need to know that.

Ian’s body shook so hard he could barely speak. He was not sure what terrified him more. The calmness of the blond man – was he even a man? – the knife, the feeling of his own blood running down his body or the red eyes that pierced into his own. Probably the latter. Though he was afraid of the three men from the bar, two of them regulars, he was definitely more afraid of the man in front of him. With a raspy voice he started to tell him what had happened – yet he tried to avoid his part in the story. But it was as if the blond in front of him could read his mind. When he had finished, the blond just shook his head in dismay, a nearly sad smile on his lips – but the spark in the red holes that should be eyes betrayed him.

Jace didn’t mind what he did next. Ian screamed when the knife cut his flesh, for real this time. His scream was muffled when a fist collided with his face and knocked out one tooth. He tried to spit out the blood but an iron grip on his jaw hindered him.

“Swallow.”

Though he nearly gagged, Ian complied.

“Now,” Jace said, his voice still soft and calm. “let’s try this one more time, shall we. But only this once. Why did the tall dark-haired man with the neck tattoo not fight back? I know you are hiding something. Spill it. Now.”

The last word had only been a growl, but it sounded more dangerous than anything Ian had ever heard in his life. So he spilled it. He told Jace that two men were regulars in his bar and that they paid him for slipping chosen victims some kind of drug into their drinks. Normally they were all women, it had been the first time that the victim had been a man. It also had been the first time that a third person had been involved. A grey haired man that bore tattoos that looked a lot like Alec’s.

_Shadowhunter._

“And where do I find your friends?” He didn’t even have to apply more pressure to the knife. Ian was very eager now to tell Jace everything he knew. He had their names and their phone numbers of his two regulars, but not the addresses.

Just to make sure, though Jace thought he said the truth, Jace punched him again and let his knife wander over the exposed body, adding more strains of blood. But Ian couldn’t say more – he didn’t know more.

With a sigh Jace stood up. After a short moment of hesitation, he took Ian’s phone and forced him to unlock it. He texted quickly Luke the names and the phone numbers of the two men he found in Ian’s phone, before he pocketed it. Then he drew his sword that had been glamoured the whole time.

Ian looked at him, his eyes wide with shock and denial. Before he could stammer anything, Jace brought the sword down– but in the last moment, he just slammed down the hilt against the man’s temple. Ian went down without making a sound.

***

Luke hadn’t asked why he needed the addresses of the men and Jace was grateful for that. Luke was a werewolf and a detective in the NYPD and they often worked closely together in cases that involved mundanes and the supernatural. Luke texted him back just a couple of minutes later, giving him all the details he had about them.

One was a mundane with the sight, the other a werewolf without a pack. Apparently they had a warlock at hand who provided them with the rape potion. Jace would deal with the warlock later, if Magnus hadn’t done that for him in the meantime. Now the mundane and the wolf were his priority – and the third person, a Shadowhunter. But Ian hadn’t had any specifics about him, so Jace hoped that the other two men would be as talkative as Ian had been – but Jace was sure he could convince them to be exactly that. He hummed lightly while he headed towards his next destination, a glamour covering his bloody face and clothes. He didn’t bother to get clean, soon more blood would follow anyhow. And he couldn’t deny it, he was looking forward to it.

***

The two men lived in a slightly better area than Ian. Thankfully they lived together so Jace didn’t need to go to different places. Jace’s body was vibrating with energy, an energy that still felt a bit strange to him, though it seemed to come directly from his inner core. He had never felt so powerful. So ruthless. So full of anger. And he just didn’t care. All he knew was that those men would pay for what they had done to Alec. He would make sure that they wouldn’t do anything like that again – or anything else, for that matter. In the last moment he had decided to let Ian live, a decision he almost regretted now. He would make sure not to do the same mistake again.

Before Jace could kick in the next door, the door flew open nearly on its own account. Jace just thought of it and the next moment the door crashed into the wall – to his surprise as much as to the three men's inside. Conveniently, the third man, the Shadowhunter, was still with his friends – still celebrating as it seemed. There were empty bottles of alcohol on the table next to packs of crisps and a full ashtray. The air was so thick you could choke on it.

Though Jace’s sudden appearance had taken him by surprise, years full of training kicked in and the old Shadowhunter drew a blade and was ready to fight in an instant. Jace recognized him, he was a traveler from another Institute that had come in a group with others but had preferred to lodge privately. But he had been in the Institute for a couple of times to train and grab lunch.

Jace had to admit he was glad that the other was ready to fight. The grey haired man’s movements seemed a little off, probably due to lack of sleep and too much alcohol, but it would do to channel some of the raw energy that had build up in Jace’s body. For a moment Jace just stood in the doorframe, his body vibrating with the glowing force of his angelic runes, his eyes burning with an unforgiving rage. He didn’t need to ask if these three were the men he had come to find. He could see it in their guilty eyes. He could smell it in the cold sweat that evaporated from them. He didn’t need to see the prove in form of Alec’s rune that lay in the middle of the table, a bloody piece of skin cut of his Parabatai. But he saw it anyway. Jace roared with fury and he leaped into action.

He collided with his full body force into the Shadowhunter. He had no intention of killing him yet so he had just drawn one of his smaller daggers. A quick death by his sword was a mercy he was not willing to grant the man – neither of them. Hi punched the other Shadowhunter forcefully in his face and felt his jaw crack under his fist and heard the older man howl in pain. His dagger found its way into the left side of the Shadowhunter until only the hilt was still visible.

In the corner of his eyes he saw one of the other men draw a pistol – but before the other could come so far as to aim, he flew back and crashed into the wall behind him. Jace just had lifted his arm. But as with the door, a force – magic of some kind – slammed the attacker back. Jace felt the strange force pulsating through him and he embraced it even tighter. With a smirk he directed his hand at the third man who was about to wolf out, but was now following his friend and flew into the wall with a dull thud. Both stayed on the ground unmoving.

The Shadowhunter decided that fleeing was the easiest way out while Jace was busy with his friends. When he reached the exit the door slammed shut in front of him, making him collide head first with it. A pained groan escaped him when his broken jaw connected with the hard wood. A silencing and locking rune appeared above the door.

Jace stalked over and slammed the heel of his combat boot down on the man’s hand until he felt fingers brake and the grip on the blade loosen. He pulled the Shadowhunter up at his hair and dragged him to one of the chairs, ignoring the yelps of pain. It was convenient that he didn’t need to get actual ropes or anything alike to restrain him. The power inside him was sufficient to immobilize the man.

The Shadowhunter breathed raggedly, his eyes were wide with fear. He knew who Jace was, he knew about his additional angelic powers. Yet, he had never seen any Shadowhunter act like that. He had never seen a Shadowhunter able to master magic. The blazing rage in Jace’s eyes told him that it was going to be a long morning.

With a careless gesture Jace lit up a cigarette with a match that was lying around. He inhaled deeply before he stepped closer to the man on the chair. He blew the smoke into his face before he pressed the cigarette to the man’s throat, making him hiss and leaving a red, round-shaped mark behind. He inhaled again. The cigarette glowed reddish in the dim light of the apartment. Jace smirked before he burned the man again, holding him firmly in place by his magic. He repeated it several times until the man’s throat was covered in burn marks, cold sweat covering his forehead and his lips pressed shut to suppress the screams that wanted to spill. Jace smiled satisfied when he looked at his handy work, the outline of the agony rune. He looked nearly bored when he took his Stele and retraced the rune. The Shadowhunter couldn’t help but scream.

Jace shrugged out of his jacket, it had become too hot in the crowded room. Fascinated he looked at his bare arms. His veins had turned into red lines that covered his whole arms and chest.

The screams died slowly, indicating that the force of the rune was about to vanish. The sudden silence startled Jace and he drew his attention back to the Shadowhunter. 

“So,” Jace said with an unnatural calmness that made the Shadowhunter shiver. “Whose idea was it to drug and rape my Parabatai?”

The wolf laying on the ground stirred and groaned, clearly trying to say something.

“Shut up,” the Shadowhunter snarled at him in responds.

“Wrong thing to say.” Jace smiled darkly down on the man, his eyes shining in an unholy red. “Wrong thing.” He reached for the matches and grabbed one. With all the force he possessed he drove the match under the Shadowhunter’s fingernail, twirling it around for a better effect until blood was spilling in a constant stream. The man screamed in agony but Jace just kept on smiling before he continued with another finger. And then another. He left the matches were they were, not caring for the ragged pleas the Shadowhunter couldn’t help but voice. When he got tired of the screams and sobs, he fetched a dirty cleaning rag that was laying around and shoved it into the Shadowhunter’s mouth.

“So,” Jace said again. “You wanted to say something.” He turned around and lifted his arm. The werewolf was dragged magically upwards until he stood on his own feet, but the magic hold him firmly at his place at the wall. 

“Or do you need further persuasion?”

The werewolf paled further and shook his head.

“Please,” he choked out, “please. I tell you everything.”

Jace listened with his head tilted to the side. If the wolf thought that telling him everything would make any difference, he was wrong. He would punish him just as the others, but he wanted to know where to start and with whom he wanted to be explicitly thorough.

The Shadowhunter had recognized Alec from the Institute and had wanted to make an example of him, shaming him for being gay. From there on things had proceeded. Jace didn’t really need to know who had done exactly what, yet he listened closely. When the wolf had finished, Jace decided to deal first with the Shadowhunter, then the mundane and then the wolf. He left the wolf pinned to the wall, the mundane was still lying unconscious on the ground.

A sweet smile appeared on Jace’s face while he returned to the Shadowhunter, who had started to scream around his gag the moment he saw Jace approach. Jace slammed his fist into his face.

“Shut up.”

He started to cut the gear the Shadowhunter was wearing open at the front, not piercing skin yet. This was for later. He contemplated for a second if he also should cut out a rune, skin for skin, but in the end decided against it. He was not like them. When the muffled sobs didn’t subside, he cut of shortly the man’s air supply. Maybe that would teach him to stay quiet.

He started to cut into the man’s abdomen. The dagger danced over the exposed skin and soon red, bloody letters appeared.

_Rapist._

Jace wanted to make sure to tell everyone what kind of people the three men were.

“Doesn’t that look beautiful?” Jace chuckled at the whine he got as a responds.

But he was not done with cutting alone. He wanted the man to really suffer before he would end him. He was the one who had raped Alec and marked him as a target in the first place.

“Do you know that there are 206 bones in the body of a human being? 206, that’s quite a lot don’t you think?”

The Shadowhunter made unrecognizable noises behind his gag.

“Ah, you did know that. Do you also know how many bones you can break before someone loses consciousness or dies?”

The man’s eye widened in fear and he tried to scream, battling against his invisible restraints forcefully. But he couldn’t move an inch.

“See, I don’t know it either. But no time like the now to find it out, am I right?” Jace’s eyes shone bright when he bent down over the screaming man, red veins spreading over his face.

The more bones Jace broke, the more pain he inflicted, the more the strange power inside him took over control. Soon Jace was in a trance of punishing and causing pain that didn’t allow for any other thought to take hold in his mind.

When the Shadowhunter blacked out, Jace turned his attention to the mundane. He hauled him up easily and placed him on the other chair, pouring a generous amount of cold water into his face. Jace needed him awake. Jace needed him to truly feel the pain.

With a wicked smile he took the hands that had written the slur on the wall in his and locked eyes with the man in front of him.

“You know why I am doing this, right?”

The mundane shivered in cold fear and nodded feverishly, too scared to speak.

“Good.”

Jace started with the pinky. It was harder than he had expected to get hold of the fingernail to rip it out in one fluid movement, but he managed. He proceeded with the next, one finger after the other without losing eye contact. The hoarse screams ebbed into chocked sobs when he was done with all 10. It was a pity that he couldn’t apply a stamina rune on the mundane, he was already about to lose consciousness.

Before the man could pass out fully, Jace took the dagger that was already covered in the Shadowhunter’s blood and started to carve another word into sensitive skin. He chose the chest this time as placement.

_Cunt_

Satisfied he looked at the neat word, adding some scrolls before he punched the mundane one last time in the face. There were few things more satisfying than breaking someone’s nose while knocking him out. Jace’s mind had closed off to anything else, just the need to punish and the everlasting blaze inside of him mattered.

He turned around to the last man.

“What are you,” the man still pinned to the wall managed to stutter. He was yet completely unharmed, but watching his friends get tortured had been enough for him to wet himself. He shook uncontrollably. His eyes were wide and scared and he couldn’t stop the tears from falling.

Jace turned to him, a bloody smile on his lips. He was covered in the mundanes’s blood, that had mixed with the Shadowhunter’s. He stepped a little closer, a dagger shining in his hand.

“I?” Jace asked with a cocked eyebrow. “I am your beginning and your end. I am your darkest nightmare. I am your brightest light. I am your savior to whom you will pray for your life to end. I am Nephilim.”

The werewolf screamed while he watched Jace change. His features sharpened until they were of a cold beauty too bright to look at. His fingers turned into claws, his fingernails were growing longer, sharper and even more deadly. A cruel smile appeared on Jace’s lips while the magic took over and turned him even more into a creature of light and darkness, leaving his humanity behind further. The red veins had spread over his complete body and face. Jace laughed while he stepped closer, bringing the hoarse screams to an abrupt end by cutting off the man’s airways with a snap of his fingers.

Jace watched mesmerized when his sharp fingernails cut through the man’s clothes like butter, leaving a bloody trail behind. He applied a little more pressure and the blood stream intensified. So did the choked sobs that got more desperate. Shortly he released his magical grip on the man, he didn’t want him to suffocate. Not yet anyway. He had not yet decided how the werewolf would die. But die he would. He still had time. This thought made him pause temporarily. Why wouldn’t he have time? Something nagged at him, something important. He needed to remember something. Or someone.

Before he could grasp this thought further, the man’s pathetic whimper brought him back to the present. The man stood naked in front of him, shivering under Jace’s scrutinizing gaze. Jace smiled and the man flinched. Jace rubbed over his teeth with his tongue, they were sharper than before. More predatory like. More angelic.

The fear radiating from the man was palpable. Jace felt the man’s urge to change to his wolf-form, but he kept him easily restrained. His power ran much deeper than the wolf’s.

The man averted his gaze and shut his eyes, a fact that annoyed Jace.

“Look at me.”

The werewolf pressed his eyes shut more firmly and shook his head in responds, a small whimper escaping him.

Jace huffed annoyed.

“Well, I think then you don’t need them anymore, don’t you?” He flipped the silver coin he had drawn out of his pocket several times before he stepped closer and pressed the coin into the wolf’s left eye. A frizzling noise of burning flesh bled into desperate screams. Without showing any signs of affection or mercy, Jace removed the coin just to press it into the right eye.

When he was done he released the man out of his magical hold. The man fell to the ground like a stone and remained there for a few moments, before he tried to crawl away.

“Ts, ts. Stay were you are. I’m not done with you yet.” Jace grabbed the man’s head and yanked it back. Blood was tripping out of the holes that once had been eyes. He slammed the man to the ground and started to carve something into his abdomen, this time not using a dagger but his fingernails.

The werewolf struggled to get away, but Jace hold him easily in place. Incoherent words spilled out of the man’s mouth while Jace cut deeper into his flesh, each letter a neat piece of art.

_Exodus 21, 25._

Jace smiled satisfied. Who would have guessed that his father’s education would come in so handy at one point of time.

“Please,” the man pleaded hoarsely, “please.” Jace looked up at the man’s face that was a mask of agony.

Jace leaned in, his voice low, barely above a whisper.

“Fear not because I am with you.”

His words didn’t have any soothing effect, the man just whimpered louder in responds, once again trying to scoop away.

Jace just shrugged before he bent down and cut the werewolf’s throat with a clean cut. He was tired of the sobs and the pleas.

He stood up again and looked at the scene. The mundane and the Shadowhunter were still alive, barely, but alive. Jace blinked a few times. His eyes were still gleaming red, but he was more sated now. The rage had subsided, but it was still burning in the back of his mind. It was hard to remember why he had been so enraged. It was hard to focus on anything else than the fire in his veins and eyes and the ache in his back. Something wanted to tear his skin apart, something wanted to break free out of his body. Cuts appeared on his back as if wings wanted to spread. He tried to focus on it, to urge the feeling on when something inside him started to stir. There was a pull and then he heard someone call his name, the voice ringing loud in his mind.

His head snapped up. Alec. Alec was waking up. He had been here for Alec. To revenge him. He needed to get to Alec.

Without paying much further attention to the men, he tore one dagger and plunged it into the mundane’s heart. He left the weapon there. He wished he had more time to deal once again with the Shadowhunter, but he needed to get to Alec. Alec was more important. He slid the Shadowhunter’s throat with the nail of his index finger and watched him drown in his own blood, the gurgling noises soon fading away. He wiped his hands clean on the man’s gear as good as possible, but most blood was already dried. Then he turned around without looking back.

He started to run as soon as he was outside. Panicked screams told him that he had forgotten to glamour himself. With a sharp thought the glamour was in place and the screams subsided. His boots pounded on the asphalt in a relentless rhythm while he got closer and closer to the Institute. The pull got stronger each second.

The door to the Institute flew open. Jace heard some weird noises while he stormed in, heading towards Alec’s rooms. Someone wanted to grab him but with a wink of his hand the person flew back and slammed into a wall. He heard the distinctive snap of breaking bones. He didn’t care. The others knew better than to approach him after that. His features were still altered. His fingers claw like with sharp, long nails, his teeth sharp, all softness gone from his face, only bones and cold beauty left. His eyes blazed crimson red and so did his veins.

He burst into Alec’s room to find him awakening. He was just about to throw Izzy out of the room as he had done with the other Shadowhunter, when something stopped him. He blinked confused and focused on her.

_Family_.

Izzy stared at him, wide eyed. But she knew better than to stay or interfere.

Jace sat down beside Alec whose eyes started to flutter. Carefully he took one of Alec’s hands in his, staring curiously at his own that was encrusted with blood.

“Jace. Come back.”

They were just three words, spoken with the hoarse voice of a man that hadn’t spoken in a very long time. But it was all that Jace needed.

When their eyes locked the fire inside of him started to diminish and his true shade of blue returned to his eyes. Alec pulled him down and when their lips met for a sweet, innocent kiss Jace felt his teeth grow back to normal. Alec hold him tight, anchoring Jace to himself and the present. Jace relaxed into the hold and hugged back fiercely as if to never let go again. Both boys were just holding on to each other, nothing else mattered right now. While they sat like that, the itch in Jace’s back went away, the power curled back into a small ball inside of him – still there, but under control. He was human again.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> additional warning: self-harm (the tags said implied/referenced self-harm)

They were not given much time to recover. A sharp knock on the door woke them up in the late morning of the next day. Jace was still covered in Alec’s embrace and the three men’s blood and Alec just felt tired. All he wanted to do was to stay where he was, wrapped around his Parabatai, feeling the safety of their joint bodies and souls. Their emotions and thoughts bounced back and forth, a comforting thing but also a bit frightening.

A second knock told them that there was no use in ignoring it. Whoever it was would not go away.

“Come in.”

Maryse stepped into the room, a scowl on her face that deepened when she took in the state the two men were in.

“Some Clave’s representatives are waiting for you. There was an eruption of power located here in New York. They want to speak with you about it in my office. Now. But clean up before you go.”

She sounded disgusted and Alec was not sure if it was because of him, because of the way Jace was covered in blood or because she suspected what had happened between them. It also didn’t really matter. They had always been a package deal, now more than ever.

After a quick shower they made their way to Maryse’s office. They were both tense. They both had assumed that the Clave would interfere in one way or another at some point of time, they just had hoped it wouldn’t happen so quickly. Alec would feel much better if they had been able to prepare, to find a joint strategy. But the steady humming of their bond that lay open between them calmed him. He felt Jace’s tension through it, but it was a different kind of tension compared to his own. It was an angrier, more annoyed kind of tension. Jace was clearly up for a fight.

The first thing Alec noted was that his mother was not present, a fact that startled him a little. Normally, she was not someone to miss out on something like that. A very young looking, blond woman with her hair tugged into a rigid ponytail and a middle aged man with a black beard were waiting for them. The woman looked uncomfortable, whereas the man carried a smug smile on his face together with a superior look.

“Gentlemen. Please close the door.”

With a shrug Alec complied. Jace just glared at the two unknown intruders with a raised eyebrow. The moment Alec closed the door and turned around, he saw the man apply a silencing and locking rune and in the corner of his eye he saw someone move.

_Jace._

Alec’s voice rang through Jace’s head, but he had seen it as well. It had taken him a moment to look through the powerful glamour the two men and the two women had applied, but once he knew they were there, it was easy. The glamour was much stronger than anything a regular Shadowhunter was capable of. Without having to think, Jace activated his runes and reached for his magic. His eyes flared up red.

The four strangers attacked silently and without hesitation or delay. Alec was shortly startled when he realized that they were not regular Shadowhunters, but Centurions – whose existence the Clave had always denied. Legends and myths entwined around them and it seemed that all legends were true in the end. They were clearly better trained than the average Shadowhunter and they all had the same medallions around their necks indicating what they were, a fact that seemed strange for a secret brotherhood. Yet Alec suspected that normally no one lived to tell the tale.

Alec didn’t have to look at Jace to know that he had already started to transform. He felt it. He felt the same raw energy pulsating through him and it was tempting to reach for it and let go. But Alec kept himself in check.

An inhuman sound roared through the room when Jace started to attack the intruders. A blade formerly attached to the wall behind Maryse’s desk flew through the room and landed in Alec’s ready hand. With a grin Alec took it, just in time to counter a strike of one of the women.

The bearded man barked an order and the four Centurions tried to regroup, but they didn’t stand a chance. Jace was still unarmed, but his body was a weapon on its own account. Red flashes flew through the room and the other sword that had hung on the wall buried itself deep into the other women’s chest, guided by Jace’s outstretched arm. Alec wanted to laugh. If the Clave thought that four assassins were enough to deal with a pair of feral Parabatai, they were so clearly wrong.

While Alec fought he felt the additional rush of power. His moves were faster and more precise, his blows more forceful – more deadly. With one fluid motion he severed the head of the second woman. He turned around to see if Jace needed help. A small smile tugged on Alec’s lips when he saw that he didn’t. One Centurion was pinned to the wall, impaled by his own blade. A gurgling sound was all he managed to do while small trickles of blood ran down his mouth. He chocked and a shiver ran over his body before he went still.

The other man was not better off. He got hit by one of Jace’s fireballs and started to scream the instant the fire cut through his gear. With a snap of his fingers the screams went silent, only the open mouth indicating that he was still screaming. The Parabatais watched the man burn, before they turned around, the flames dancing in their eyes. Jace readied himself to deal with the two Clave officials, but Alec held him back, using his side of the bond to calm Jace. They had killed four people that shouldn’t exist, but killing two Clave members would certainly lead to more questions or actions.

The woman with the ponytail had paled visibly. Alec wrapped his one arm protectively around Jace, pressing a kiss to his temple before pressing a kiss to his lips. The Clave had tried to send them a message, now it was their turn.

The man clearly tried to regain some control over the situation. He cleared his throat several times but failing to voice just a single word.

“Now,” Alec said, slipping easily into the role he had held his whole life. The role of a leader. “I think you forgot to introduce yourselves and why you are here.”

The man gulped but stayed silent.

“I am Lydia Branwell and this is Victor Aldertree.” Lydia had straightened herself and sounded surprisingly steady. Alec was slightly impressed. All of them ignored the bodies on the ground or the one pinned to the wall.

“We have noticed an unusual spike of power and are here to investigate it. These spikes of powers normally only occur when a pair of Parabatai commits the crime of Eros…”

“Well,” Alec cut in smoothly, “as we are the only Parabatai around, we can assure you we didn’t commit any crime. There must be a… natural explanation. Because if we had committed that crime, we would only need to snap our fingers to kill you both. And we are not doing this, aren’t we. And what these…,” he gestured towards the corpses “are concerned, I think we can all agree that there is no secret Shadowhunter assassin society and therefore there are no bodies. But if you don’t see it that way, we will…”

“If you ever set foot in this Institute again, threaten my Parabatai, my friends or family or myself ever again, I will burn Idris to the ground, starting with you. And there will be nothing that will stop me.”

Alec smirked.

“We will do exactly that,” he finished his unfinished sentence from before. “So you will go back to Idris and report that everything is in order. Surely you can make up an explanation for the leak of power. Understood?”

Lydia nodded with thin lips. Aldertree tried to say something else, but one look in Jace’s eyes that started to burn again made him change his mind.

“Understood,” he confirmed with an unsteady voice.

With a snap Jace set fire to all remaining three corpses before they turned around, Jace holding on to Alec to ground him more. They closed the door behind them. Inside the bodies burnt down to leave just a thin layer of grey ash behind.

Back in their room, Alec let himself fall on the bed, pulling Jace with him. They both needed each other as close as possible.

“That was… something. Do you think my mother was onboard with their plan?”

Jace didn’t answer, but the silence told everything. Alec blinked a few times, trying to keep the prickling in his eyes in check. It was one thing to know that you were not on best terms with your mother, another to know she had agreed to get you murdered. Gentle fingers cupped his chin and tilted his head upwards, before soft lips were pressed against his.

“I love you”, Jace whispered. “I won’t let anything happen to you.”

“And I to you.”

They both knew it was true. They would rather burn than let the other get harmed. But before they burnt, they would set the whole world on fire.

***

_One week later_

After the incident with the Clave’s officials, no one had dared to make a move against them. They were left in peace and though this was what Alec wanted and thought needed, the calm made it worse. It gave him time to think. To feel what he didn’t want to feel but somehow he was supposed to deal with all that.

He stared unseeingly through the window. It was a beautiful late summer day, the sun was burning down on them from a spotless sky. Alec couldn’t help but think that he very much would prefer rain. A grey, cloudy sky. A thunderstorm. Anything but the bright sun.

To Alec’s own surprise, he had better control over their bond than Jace. Whereas Jace’s emotions seemed to sweep towards him unfiltered and he also heard his thoughts ringing in his head frequently he held his own emotions and thoughts at bay. It was not even a real conscious decision, but he didn’t want to bother Jace with the way he felt, so he had learned quickly to close his side of the bond.

He was so lost in thought that he didn’t feel or hear Jace approach. When Jace stepped next to him and squeezed his arm, he tensed and pulled away instantly. He hated to see the hurt flashing quickly over Jace’s face before a neutral expression replaced it. He could feel it anyway, though apparently Jace had gotten better with controlling his side of the bond. The lessons with Magnus worked. Jace had sought out Magnus to help him channel the magic. The source of their powers was a different one, but the energy worked in a similar way and Magnus helped Jace control it. Even though being quite effective sometimes, it was not always the best move to burn your enemies to the ground.

“Hey.” Jace’s voice was soft. He had withdrawn his hand and had crossed his arms over his chest. “How are you?”

Alec rolled his eyes. “I’m fine.”

“Please, Alec, talk to me. I know you are not fine.”

“Oh and why is that? Because you think I am weak?”

Jace closed his eyes for a second. He really didn’t know how to get through to Alec. It was as if an invisible wall was between them – even thought their bond was stronger than ever before, Alec had managed to close off nearly completely. Jace rubbed tiredly over his face.

“You are not weak, Alec. You have always been the strong one.”

Alec didn’t look at him, his eyes were still focused on the blazing sun.

“How was your session with Magnus?”

“Good. I’m learning to control it. He….” His voice trailed away. “He told me how he dealt with the warlock.”

Alec’s shoulders came up before he relaxed visibly.

“Good.” His voice was dark.

“Do you want me to tell you?”

“No. I want him to show me. But first I want to see what you did to the others.”

Previously Alec had never asked what Jace had been doing to the men before he had killed them. But now he needed to know.

Jace reached out to him and took his face gently in his hands.

“Are you sure?”

When Alec nodded, Jace opened their bond, never losing eye contact. Alec steadied himself on Jace when the first images appeared in his head. He dug his fingernails deep into Jace’s shoulders, later they would find fingernail-shaped marks there. But Jace didn’t flinch or pull away. He just rested his head in Alec’s nape and pressed his memories towards his Parabatai.

Alec wasn’t sure how he felt. There was a dark, heartfelt satisfaction when he saw what Jace had done with them, how they had paid for what they had done. But he felt also disgusted. Disgusted with himself, because he had been too weak to deal with these three, whereas Jace had apparently tortured and killed them effortlessly. He never voiced that thought, as he knew perfectly well how Jace would respond to that. That Alec had been drugged, that Jace had profited from the corrupted bond. But Alec knew this didn’t justify his failure.

“Thank you” he whispered when Jace drew back from his brain, leaving him with a strange empty feeling.

Instead of withdrawing also physically, Jace stayed where he was, held fiercely in Alec’s still painful grip. He buried his face deeper in Alec’s neck.

“You know that I love you, Alec, right? And you know that you can talk to me, about anything. Right?”

Alec swallowed down the lump in his throat. He nodded instead of speaking, not trusting his voice. He knew. And yet, he didn’t.

***

The next days and weeks were like a dance on the sharp edge of a blade, both boys always about to fall. There were days where they were inseparable, seeking physical closeness as much as emotional one. There were days where Alec tried to avoid Jace, overexerting himself in the training room, punching the bag until his knuckles bled and the pain in his hands nearly excelled the pain in his heart. He always healed his hands before he went back to Jace, but Jace knew anyway. He tried to get Alec to talk, but the more Jace pushed, the more Alec pulled away.

The only thing that never changed was the way they slept. Entangled in each other, one laying on top of his Parabatai, their arms wrapped around the other to feel the lover as close as possible. At nights, it was so easy, there was just room for them and nothing else. But with each dawn of the next morning, the struggle began anew. And the whole time, the thread of an upcoming war against Valentine and his son was dangling over their heads.

***

Alec was once again alone in the training room when he heard Jace approach. He was not in the mood for what was to come.

“Jace, please go away. I want to train. Alone.”

“You don’t want to train, you want to hurt yourself. And I just can’t stand by and watch that any longer, Alec.”

“This is not your choice, Jace. You have no right to tell me what I can do and what I can’t. This is not about you. Not everything is always about you.”

“It is about me as well, because I love you, Alec. And I can’t…”

He was interrupted by Alec’s annoyed and half-disbelieving huff.

“Alec.” Jace ran his hand through his hair in a desperate gesture. He didn’t understand how his Parabatai couldn’t realize what he felt, how he couldn’t feel it through their bond.

“You have always been my anchor and now more than ever. I…”

“And I don’t want to be your fucking anchor, Jace. I don’t want to be your goddamn Parabatai. I want to be your lover. Is this so hard to get?”

Each word cut like a knife.

“I love you, Alec.”

But Alec just huffed again, harsh red spots covering his skin.

“You say that now because you _need_ me. We both know you would be lost without me.”

“Of course I _need_ you, Alec. I’ve always needed you and I always will. But I love you. And I don’t understand how you can be so blind as not to see that. Don’t you fucking feel it in our bond?”

The truth was, Alec didn’t feel much at all these days. He had cut off his ability to feel the moment he had heard the man unbuckle is belt in the bloody restroom.

“Oh don’t talk to me about being blind, Jace.” Alec hissed. “I loved you for years and you never…”

“Because you never said a goddamn word! How could I have known?”

“If you ever had just really looked at me, just listened for once, you would have. But you were always too busy being selfish and whine about anything. But you only look at me now because you fucking depend on me.”

Alec knew he was being unfair. He knew he was hurting Jace, especially with what he had said about being Parabatai. But he was hurting so much himself, he just couldn’t. He just couldn’t take it anymore. His whole life he had always been the responsible one – he always had needed to be the responsible one. And now with their bond being altered like this, he needed to be it more than ever. He was the only thing that stood between Jace and the consuming internal fire and he felt that pressure, like he had felt the responsibility for Max, Izzy and Jace all those years. He felt more than ever how inadequate he was, what failure as a leader, as a Shadowhunter. Even now with their corrupted bond, he was the weak one. It was true that he had gained powers as well, but they were not at the least comparable with Jace’s. And he hated it. Just for once he wanted to be the powerful one.

Jace breathed in an out, focusing on the up and down of his chest. He felt his blood boiling, the energy expanding. But he couldn’t let go now, he needed to hold it together. He had known that it would be hard, but he had never expected it to be like that. He had thought that they would need to fight. But he had always thought they would fight together and not against each other. He had thought that their love would be enough to overcome Alec’s trauma. Apparently, he had been wrong. Sometimes he thought that all they needed was time. But time was the one thing they never seemed to get with the thread of war crashing over them like a wall of fire.

“Yes Alec, I depend on you. And yes, it sucks to know that I need you to not go completely feral, but I’m working on it. And this doesn’t change that I love you.” He took in a deep, steading breath. He blinked a few times. He felt so tired.

“Alec. When this war is over… let’s let them severe it. I understand. If you don’t want to be my Parabatai anymore, let’s end it.” He nearly choked at the last words.

“You don’t understand a thing,” Alec yelled at him, his hands clenched into fists. And how could Jace, when not even he understood himself.

“Boys.” Izzy’s tense voice interrupted them. They turned in synch to look at her, both still panting.

“What?” They said it at the same time, like the one soul Jace felt they were and Alec didn’t want to be – and all Jace wanted to do was scream.

“Valentine and Jonathan have abducted Clary.”

It was a low, dangerous growl that escaped Jace’s throat. He already felt the tension build in his body and he swallowed hard to keep it at bay. Blood was thrumming in his ears, but he couldn’t give in. Not yet. Not so soon.

Izzy stepped carefully closer, aware of the struggle Jace was already in. She had a strain of red hair in her hand that she hold out to the boys. Parabatai tracking, one of the strongest tracking methods there was.

When their hands clapped around Clary’s hairs and Jace felt Alec’s rough skin on his, he released the breath he had been holding. The tension diminished, not fully but he could breathe again. The pair of Parabatai stood closely together, both reaching for the power that lay inside of them. They both could feel the magic twirl and circle, tugging on their minds, trying to pinpoint the location. There was something off with the place where they kept Clary, they should be able to locate her easily. Jace reached deeper and the fire was rising again. Alec rested his forehead against his.

“It’s okay. You can let go, Jace. I’ve got you.” It was just a whisper but the words held all the strength Jace needed. Jace gave in to the power, the energy was burning through his veins like fire. But he was still grounded, grounded by the hand that was holding him, grounded by the forehead that was pressed against his. He was safe.

Both heads snapped up when the image where Clary was hold captive showed up. A ship, surrounded by water. Untrackable, except for them. The secret hiding place the Clave had been looking for the entire time. Jace’s eyes were a blazing red when they looked at each other.

Alec kissed him, deep and soft.

“I’m sorry, Jace, so sorry. I love you, so much.”

Jace kissed him back, clinging to him as for dear life. “I know Alec, I know. I love you too, so much. We got this, don’t we?”

“Yes, of course. We got this.”

They didn’t have a choice anyway.

They turned around, their hands never letting go. “Let’s end this war.”

***

The whole Shadow World under the Clave’s command geared up for the fight. Speeches were held, orders were given but all Jace could hear was the steady beat of his blood in his veins. Alec never left his side, he held him close, steading him with his presence. They both knew that this would be the hardest challenge for their bond since the first time of the altering. And since then, the demanding pull of the bond had become much stronger. Clary was family. Jace would never let anyone hurt his family.

“Alec.” Jace’s voice was raspy and raw, the vulnerability so clearly audible for Alec. He knew what Jace was asking, what he was demanding and pleading for. And of course he would give it to him. Jace was his and no one was to harm what was his, not even the person himself. With a sharp tug on his hair he tilted Jace’s head and they locked eyes before their lips were pressed together in one last kiss.

“Jace.” Alec panted his name into his mouth. There was nothing more to say.

They stepped together through the portal, Alec’s hand protectively wrapped around Jace’s waist. They landed on the unsteady underground of Valentine’s ship, the Morningstar. The air was already filled with screams and battle noise, the roar of anger mixed with screams of pain. For a moment they looked at each other before Alec let go and Jace’s world exploded in fire.

Valentine’s men surrounding them slammed into the guardrail or went overboard, neither of them was going to survive. Jace had not bothered to draw a blade, his powers more deadly than any weapon could be. Alec stood next to him, a sword ready in hand. Both their eyes gleamed with a reddish light. Surprised noises from both sides followed them, while heading downwards, into the belly of the ship, where the cells were located and Clary was hold captive. Both knew where she was, the pull from their tracking was still there.

Jace heard his heartbeat pounding in his ears. It was not only his, it was also Alec’s that beat in the same rhythm. They moved as one, they were one. They dashed through their enemies as if they were not really there. Alec cut down the Circle members that were too close, Jace dealt with the others. Red lighting bolds shot out of his hands, killing the opponents in an instant. With Alec so close, Jace let himself fall deeper, embracing the darkness more than ever before. With every dead enemy Jace lost himself a little bit more.

The door to Clary’s cell was blasted away. But it was not only Clary who waited for them. Jonathan, stood next to her, his eyes as black as Jace’s were red. Demon against Angel. With a growl both lashed out, red light clashing against black.

_Get Clary._

Jace’s voice rang in Alec’s mind, but he wouldn’t have needed the order, he was already on his way to her. She lay curled up on the cold floor, bound on ankles and wrists with heavy chains. With quick fingers Alec drew his Stele to apply an unlocking rune, but the rune disappeared in the air without opening the chains. Alec snarled in frustration. He looked around to see if there was anything that could help him open them. But the only thing he saw was his lover fighting for their lives.

There was something beautiful about the way the two brothers moved. They had been taught in the same way by the same teacher, they instinctively knew what the other would do. Jace’s features were completely altered, he was barely recognizable anymore as a human being.

In the faint distant Alec could hear the battle waving up and down. Screams echoed throughout the Morningstar. Jonathan laughed when he heard the screams full of fear, announcing that more demons had invaded the ship - demons he had called for.

With a frustrated growl Alec turned back to Clary. He reached for their bond, for the power Jace seemed so easily to control. He felt it slip away under his reach, but he snarled at it and suddenly, he felt a rush jolting through his body. He took the Stele in a firm grip and he drew the unlocking rune again. The rune gleamed red and settled down on the chains, burning them away in a glow. A sigh of relief escaped both of them, while Alec hurled Clary to her feet. She was bruised, but otherwise unharmed. Alec felt the burning fire and it was tempting to just let go. To let the fire consume him like Jace was about to be consumed, to burn away his insecurities and pain. But he knew he couldn’t. He knew Jace needed him not burning. Jace needed him human. With a groan Alec pushed back the feeling of power and energy, reaching for his humanity with all his force. He closed his eyes and when he opened them again it was just in time to watch Jonathan burn in a red circle of flames.

_Let’s go._

Alec took Clary’s hand and dragged her after him and Jace. Alec felt the power radiating from Jace, but also the danger. They needed to end this soon, otherwise… But Alec couldn’t dwell on otherwise. There was just no room for otherwise. Jace needed to come back to him. He must.

The demons had vanished with Jonathan’s death and from the noises surrounding them it was clear that the Clave was winning now. They stumbled over dead bodies and wounded Shadowhunters, but Jace didn’t stop. And Alec just followed, he knew where Jace was heading anyway. He was about to deal with his father. When Izzy appeared suddenly by their side, Alec pushed Clary towards her, knowing she was safe with their sister, before rushing after Jace.

They went up again, the cells had been in the vast bottom of the ship. An iron staircase led them upwards when a nearly hidden door appeared. Jace came to a stop and turned around, their eyes locking. Alec suppressed a slight shiver while looking at his lover. The door crashed against the wall and there he was. Valentine, the cause of so many nightmares and pain.

Valentine looked at them, a smug smile on his lips that froze into ice when he took in Jace’s state. Even he hadn’t seen a Nephilim in its nearly true form before. Jace made a sound so high no human should be capable of making it. Valentine tried to cover his ears, but the scream went through the cover easily. Blood was running out of his eyes and ears and his screams bled into the high-pitched sound coming out of Jace’s mouth.

Alec closed his eyes and focused on their bond. With all his mental force he pulled at his side, forcing Jace to not go further, to keep him by his side, forcing him to not spread his wings and fly. When Alec heard the distinctive sound of a snapped neck, he looked up. Jace hovered over his father’s corpse. His eyes were hollow and red, his chest was heaving. He was about to get lost. Without thinking twice Alec wrapped his arms around Jace, dragging him away. They needed to go. Now. With the rest the Clave and regular Shadowhunters could deal. They had killed Jonathan. They had killed Valentine. The rest of the killing could be done by others.

They reached a warlock who made them a portal. Alec still dragged Jace after him, the blond just letting it happen. They fell in their shared bed, not caring about the blood or the dirt. Alec just wrapped Jace closer, holding him tight until Jace’s breathing synched with his and their hearts calmed to a normal beat. But also after that he didn’t let go. Alec kissed all skin he could reach, stroking him, whispering his name over and over again. They both felt the fire die. They both knew it had been close. Jace was exhausted, all he wanted to do was curl up into his Parabatai and never get up again. He pressed closer, enjoying the soothing rocking motions Alec was providing. His eyes fluttered shut, sleep was ready to take over.

“You really came back to me.” Alec whispered against Jace’s mouth before he pressed a soft kiss against his lips.

Jace blinked a few times, he was barely awake anymore. His speech was already slurred.

“The thing is Alec, I always come back to you. But I think you never really came back to me.”

Exhaution was taking over and Jace couldn’t hold his eyes open anymore. Sleep was claiming him, his body screaming for rest.

For a very long time Alec just sat on the bed, rocking Jace gently back and forth, before his tears started to fall like rain. Jace was right. He had never really come back. Part of him was still in that restroom in that shady bar, imprisoned in his own useless body, not able to scream or fight. Alec cried silently, not wanting Jace to wake up – screaming internally for Jace to do just that, so that finally he could share his pain. But Jace was too exhausted, the strain of killing his father and brother, the strain of coming back to his lover above all too severe to feel Alec’s need.

***

_A couple of days later_

Alec was surrounded by darkness. He was unable to move, unable to speak, unable to do anything. He just could feel the pain. He knew it was just a nightmare, even in his dream he knew that. But he couldn’t wake up just as he hadn’t been able to move. All he did was fall into the darkness, faster and deeper each second. Just before he hit the ground he woke up with a gasp.

Instinctively Jace wrapped his arms around Alec. Jace was still exhausted, his body recovering very slowly from the ordeal on the Mornginstar. He slept deeper and longer than before, yet he sensed Alec’s uneasiness. Gently Alec combed through Jace’s blond hair.

“Sh, you can sleep. It’s alright. I’m alright.”

Jace relaxed, the grip around Alec loosening. Alec bit his lip until he tasted blood. He had no idea why this was not enough. He had all he had ever wanted. Deep down he knew that Jace truly loved him. That he loved him not because he was his anchor, but because of his own sake. And yet here he was, sitting in their shared bed, crying again. Alec hated himself for being so weak. So pathetic. He was disgusted with himself.

Silently he slipped out of Jace’s hold and got up. He quickly dressed himself and headed towards the training room, fetching his bow. He nocked an arrow and aimed. The steady rhythm of nocking, drawing, aiming soothed him. He had no idea how long he was standing there, just shooting one arrow after the other. He had to collect them several times as he ran out of spare arrows. Astonished he realized that they were covered in blood the third time he collected them. But this didn’t stop him. The pain soothed him even more than the shooting itself. When the bowstring cut in his already open flesh he felt the pressure inside subside. It felt good. It was something he could get lost in. Something he could control. It was just himself and the pain, the target, the bow.

He nearly cried out when two strong arms were wrapped around him, dragging him away from the shooting range. His bow slid to the ground while Jace drew him closer, rocking him back and forth.

“Alec.” His voice sounded muffled and thick with tears. “This isn’t working.” Alec tensed, suddenly feeling the sharp pain in his hands.

_No. This couldn’t be happening._

“No, Alec, baby, no, not us. Us, we will always work. This is not working. You are hurting Alec, so much. And I love you, I love you so much. But I can’t help you. I don’t know how. I just don’t know how.”

It was the hardest thing Jace had ever done. Harder than killing his brother or father. Harder than coming back. Admitting that their love was not enough to heal Alec hurt, but watching Alec hurt and spiral downwards hurt a lot more.

“Let’s get out of here Alec. Let’s get out of this city. Let’s move to somewhere new where we can start over. I….I did research. There are mundane doctors who can help you. Help us. Please Alec.”

Alec was silent for a while.

“You know we are not supposed to see mundane doctors.”

At that Jace just laughed.

“Since when has that ever stopped us? You are also not supposed to fall in love with your Parabatai, and yet here we are. And it’s not that bad actually.”

Alec chuckled lightly through his pain. His bloody hands came up to cup Jace’s face.

“Yeah, it’s not _tha_ t bad.”

Jace slapped him playfully but turned to serious an instant later.

“What do you say, Alec?”

Alec looked at him, searching in his eyes for a sign of doubt, searching their bond for anything contradicting, but all he found was love and sincerity.

“Okay.”

They kissed for a very long time before finally they drew away.

They were both ready to fly.


	5. Epilogue

_5 years later_

Jace smiled when he saw his Parabatai laying sprawled over their bed, his hands rubbing sleepily at his eyes. Jace shrugged off his jacket and kicked away his boots before he strolled over and placed a soft kiss to Alec’s lips. He made a content sound in the back of his throat when Alec pulled him down to deepen the kiss. Alec was still warm from sleep, heavy and soft and gorgeous.

Jace’s hands found their way under Alec’s sleeping shirt and he scratched lightly over his lover’s skin with his fingernails, just as he knew he liked it. Their kiss was sloppy and dreamy and Jace felt all tension from the last mission leaving his body. He still hated being in the field alone without Alec, but he got used to it.

“Hey,” Jace murmured softly when they broke their kiss to catch their breaths. “You’re awake”

“Mmh. Couldn’t miss you coming back.”

Jace caught Alec’s mouth with his, nibbling tenderly at his bottom lip, before kissing him in earnest again. His hand rubbed over Alec’s old scar, a rectangular form where once had been a rune. Alec didn’t draw back or flinch, the touch more than welcome by now. He even arched his back slightly to get more friction from Jace’s exploring hand.

“You have still so many clothes on.” Alec’s voice sounded still raspy from sleep but the want was clearly audible.

Jace chuckled lightly, kissing the corner of Alec’s mouth.

“I could change that.”

“You should change that.”

A demanding tug on his shirt convinced Jace and he smiled when he heard Alec’s soft whine when he pulled away to take off his gear. He helped his lover to get rid of his clothes before Alec pulled him down again, demanding contact of naked skin on naked skin. Jace’s shivered lightly, his skin felt cold against Alec’s warmth. He moaned lowly when Alec’s hot lips started to explore his body, biting gently at his nape, sucking small marks into his skin.

Alec’s legs fell apart wider to give Jace more room, both boys moaning when their already half-hard cocks rubbed over each other. Alec’s moans got louder when Jace reached for the lube and gentle fingers penetrated him, pumping slowly in and out of him to prepare him for more. Jace swallowed all little noises Alec was making by claiming his mouth while his cock pushed in, rocking slowly back and forth until he slid home fully. They found to a joint rhythm instantly, Alec’s hips pushing up to meet Jace’s thrusts, the pace slow and gentle. Their hearts beat as one and they got lost in the overwhelming pleasure of pushing in and out, of kissing and sucking, of skin rubbing over skin, of feeling the other so close. Alec couldn’t help but whimper into Jace’s mouth when Jace’s cock brushed over his prostate. He lifted his legs to wrap them around Jace’s waist to pull him even closer, the changed angle making him shiver for lust. Jace’s thrusts became deeper and more forceful but never losing the gentle rhythm. Their hands entangled and Jace buried his head in Alec’s nape, panting softly in his ear.

“I’m so close Alec, so close,” he managed to murmur before a needy groan escaped his lips.

“Then come for me baby.”

Jace swore lightly when he let go and the orgasm hit him like a wave, moaning Alec’s name while coming. He opened their bond to its full extent, making Alec cry out lowly when their joint emotions crushed over them, pushing Alec together with Jace over the edge.

“I love you. So much.”

Jace kissed Alec, sloppy and dreamy, before he buried his head in Alec’s chest, feeling sleepy, warm and safe.

Alec’s hand combed through Jace’s hair, smiling when he felt Jace’s body get heavy on top of him.

“I love you too. More than anything.”

Alec felt Jace’s smile against his skin before his breath got more even and deeper, sleep slowly taking over. While Alec’s one hand was still stroking Jace’s hair, he wrapped the other protectively around the blond and hold him there. He still had time before he had to get up to prepare for another day as the Head of the London Institute, and he wanted to spend it just where he was, with his Parbatai’s reassuring weight on top of him.

The road that had taken them there had been bumpy and hard, it still was sometimes. Their decision to leave New York behind and start over anew in London had been the right one. The confession that though they loved each other in every way possible, this love just wasn’t enough to get them through what had happened to Alec, had saved them. Love was the beginning and the end, but sometimes you just needed a little help to get from one point to the other.

At first, Alec had hated to go to the therapist and in their first two sessions, he hadn’t done much more than glare. But slowly he had opened up and talked to the woman and it had helped. It wasn’t that magically she had solved all problems, but she had helped Alec to first acknowledge his feelings as valid and then understand and deal with them, by talking to her or Jace. Finally, Alec had been able to truly come home. Sometimes he still had nightmares or dark thoughts that threatened to drown him, but they had become fewer and less intense, and Alec was not afraid of talking about them anymore.

Though it had been Jace’s idea, he had also not been thrilled to go to the group therapy sessions. But to learn that also others felt sometimes helpless and lost how to help their loved ones and that also others sometimes just wanted to scream, had put Jace more at ease. Hearing the story’s of others helped him understand better what Alec was going through and how he could support him better – and he also understood himself better.

What had helped on top of that, had been the supportive old Head of the Institute. When she had found out that they were seeing a mundane therapist, she had encouraged them to pursue this, not asking specifics but making clear that they had her full support. She just had huffed and shaken her head while she talked about the encrusted views the Clave still pursuit when it came to the fusion of Mundane and Shadow World

She had also dealt with the altered bond in a very professional way, making clear that she didn’t care what they were doing in their private time as long as it didn’t interfere with their work. Especially Alec and her had become close as soon as she had discovered his natural leader abilities and she had pushed him to aim higher.

First, he had become her second in command and when she had decided to move to Idris to shake things up a little there, she had named him her successor. Alec still felt proud at that, especially after noticing that he had the full support of the London Institute, despite him being there only for a couple of years and a stranger.

They had learned to exercise even more control over their bond. In regular missions they didn’t dip into their additional powers, the strain that put it on them, especially on Jace, was just too heavy. Only in face of real danger they let the bond transform them into near feral beings. But also coming back became easier, though both were well aware that it was the other that kept them safely bound to their humanity. Jace had once joked to one fellow Shadowhunter that if something ever was going to happen to Alec, Jace would burn the world along with himself. Jace had spoken in a light, conversational tone, but Alec had seen the flames dancing in his eyes and he suspected that the truth lay not far away from that statement.

Jace moaned softly in his sleep, stirring a bit to get even more comfortable before his breath got steady again. Alec smiled and pressed a light kiss to his temple, before he started to comb his hair again, smiling while thinking of the Lightwood ring Izzy had brought him during her last visit. He had the ring now for a couple of months but so far he hadn’t found the right time or place to propose - but what harm could waiting a little longer do?

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and kudos are loved 💙


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